Carolin Pan Week 13 Chinese
Carolin Pan
2022 March 23
Chinese
Chinese was the language I was first introduced to and the only language I spoke when I first started talking. But now, although my Chinese skills are deteriorating, the language is still engraved in my mind and memories. I remember the daily Chinese lessons at my rigorous after school program and the summers filled with annual trips to China. Though being bilingual can be quite pleasant at times, there are, of course, difficulties accompanying the learning of a language. Perhaps this blog post will just be me unpacking childhood trauma.
There are certain things I will never forget as they happen every year I go to China. The rude comments and uncomfortable stares I get from the people in China, regardless of whether I know them or not. They tell me things like how they think I look too tan to be Chinese. (How do I even respond to that?) When I am with my friends or parents, I take less notice of it, but the comments really can be quite belittling and not to mention, racist.
Another (much less controversial) memory of mine would be my former Chinese school teacher. She destroyed all the interest I had in the language. (She was strict and maybe even a bit abusive?) Though my friends and I all hated her with a burning passion, I must admit we did learn quite a bit. I must credit her for when I passed the AP Chinese Language exam with surprising ease.
My memories of my experience with Chinese are bittersweet and truly fascinating. Not only did I grow familiar with the language, I also grew to understand the Chinese people as a whole. I have learned to appreciate these experiences as they are not something one can learn or create in a few semesters during a high school course.
I really related to your experience going to China and getting weird stares from people and mean comments. When I also made the annual trips to Japan over the summer, I would frequently be treated like a complete foreigner even though I am half-Japanese. People would always talk to me in English or act like they don't understand me when I can understand and speak the language fluently. I would get old Japanese men full body-blocking me when I try to do things they consider "Japanese-only" privileges (like in immigration lines at airports) and when I try to order at restaurants some people would completely ignore me. While the majority of people are very nice and not like this, it is unfortunate that there are some negative memories that fail to leave my mind.
ReplyDeleteHi Carolin,
ReplyDeleteYour blog post reminded me of something my mom told me when I was young. An accent only signifies that an individual knows another language other than the one they are speaking. Similarly, skin color, hair texture, eye color, clothing style, and other physical characteristics only tell more about oneself rather than what they are not. No one can tell you that you are less than what you should be, and their words should never be taken to heart. If I had listened to the constant bickering of my grandparents with relatives, I would never have joined the water polo team for fear of getting tan, I would never have stopped brushing my hair as straight as possible for fear of them criticizing my curly and frizzy hair, I would never have started speaking Konkani again with relatives for fear of not having a strong enough accent or fluent enough slang. These aspects of my life may not define me, but they impact my identity in a way other’s opinions should never have the power to.
Hey Carolin, I'm truly sorry that you had to go through all of that. I can't imagine how it must feel for people of your own background to criticize you for something that you had no control over. Your story just shows how double sided so many memories can be and how sometimes there is a choice in how we interpret those memories. Even though you hated your teacher for being much too overbearing, you were also able to find a somewhat beneficial aspect of that memory, which is something truly admirable. I do kind of also relate to you in a sense that I always feel like somewhat separate from everyone else whenever I visit India, especially because I'm not the most fluent in Hindi and am used to a very different culture. I fortunately haven't been faced with nearly as much negativity, but I hope that people all over will slowly learn to be more accepting of everyone regardless of something as menial as the color of one's skin.
ReplyDeleteHey Carolin, first of all, I'm so sorry you had to experience all of what you have. Truthfully, I feel you though because when I go to India, for some reason to the people who have lived there all their lives, they just know that me, my brother and parents don't live in India. That being said, they treat us like outsiders because technically we didn't grow up there even though we are Indian. They talk to all residents of India in their own languages but talk to us in English as if we don't know our mother tongue. I don't think I realized that until a couple years ago, and I just now realized how harsh that is. Although I haven't been faced with as much harshness and negativity, no one should have to experience this and I'm so sorry you had to.
ReplyDeleteHi Carolin, I am incredibly sorry that you had these experiences. Being treated as an outsider is incredibly common in India as well, with backhanded comments and direct criticisms on shallow qualities like your skin color or your language proficiency. They treat you totally different based on these qualities. Just speaking in English or faulty Kannada can make a shop owner charge me or my relatives a higher price. I am just happy that these are only a minority of my experiences, because I have learned so much about my culture that I can ignore these minor blemishes on my memory of my heritage. However, no one deserves these harsh experiences, and it is saddening that these shallow mindsets are present around the world.
ReplyDeleteHi Carolin, I am saddened to hear how you had to go through those experiences while learning Chinese and visiting China. In India, there is a similar negative stigma against those with darker skin tones. I remember one time I visited India I saw an ad promoting lighter skin where they showed someone who looked depressed with dark skin and after applying a lightening cream they were ecstatic. The product the advertisement was selling was called Fair and Lovely which obviously sounds pretty racist. Being fair or having light skin in India is considered beautiful which is hammered into children at a young age. Consequently, I constantly see people in India putting powder on their skin to make their skin less dark Anyways it’s nice to hear that you passed your AP Chinese exam easily! I hope you have a better experience when you visit China again.
ReplyDeleteHi Carolin! The Chinese language must be very deeply tied into your memories and identity, although some memories were unpleasant. I am sorry you had to experience such unacceptable behavior during your visits to China, but I'm happy to hear that you've gained a lot from the language throughout your life. Spending your life and experiences with this language is definitely more valuable than a few years of learning through a high school course.
ReplyDeleteHi Carolin, your experience shows how important language is to understand new cultures. Without understanding the language, it is impossible to completely be a part of the cultural identity. It also demonstrates how shared backgrounds and language can still lead to a dislocation from the people in the same group. I feel like that is similar to the experience of many first-generation immigrants in Western countries that often are ostracized when going back to a country that their parents were born in.
ReplyDeleteHi Carolin, I’m really sorry that many of your experiences with your own language have been difficult (that’s putting it mildly), including trips to your native country. I’m glad you shared this blog with us. Maybe it helped a little bit to get some negative aspects out on paper. I think it is terrible that you were treated so harshly, in a way that no one deserves to be. I remember having a language teacher when I was really young who was not very nice to anyone, but it definitely does not compare to your experiences. Really experiencing a language and culture in person and for an extended period of time is more profound than just from a textbook or classroom setting.
ReplyDelete