Rakshan Patnaik Week 15: Forgive, not Forget
You know the saying, “forgive, but not forget?” A common saying in the aftermath of bad relationships and betrayal, it is this saying that inspired my blog for today. I found this article “The Psychology of Forgiving and Forgetting,” and its introductory paragraphs immediately got me hooked on the relation between the two actions. It starts off discussing the tragic death of Marina Keegan in an accident, because her boyfriend fell asleep at the wheel. What shocked author Wray Herbert was Keegan’s parents forgiveness of the boyfriend, who faced criminal charges for Keegan’s death. It spun a question: does forgiving help forget? Does it help in lessening the trauma of those memories?
In a test by scientists at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland, volunteers were put through “various scenarios depicting hypothetical wrongdoings”—being robbed, being cheated on, being expelled from university—and then asked questions regarding the severity of the situation and ability to forgive the transgressor. Then, volunteers took a memory test; some volunteers had forgiven the transgressor, while others had not. This test had the volunteers actively try to forget certain words associated with the scenarios. The results of this experiment showcased a clear correlation between forgiving and forgetting.
When the victims (volunteers) found it in their hearts to forgive the transgressor, they found it easier to suppress those harsh memories; volunteers who did not forgive found it harder to suppress and intentionally forget those memories. Additionally, the study mentioned that “the ability to forget unpleasantness” is linked to real acts of forgiveness. I found this result very interesting, as I personally never put any truth to the saying. But forgiving someone for a previous fall-out allows you to move on and past that incident for the foreseeable future. It’s a really important lesson that I think we all should take into consideration to cope with hard incidents of our past.
Before ending, I think it’s hugely important to mention that Marina Keegan’s parents are likely a rarity. A child’s death is no small thing, and I can not imagine forgiving someone who basically killed my daughter. Additionally, while I encourage forgiving for friendship fallouts and petty arguments, there are situations where the saying does not apply. For more serious scenarios, you have no obligation to forgive or forget.
This is an interesting observation that this study made. I applaud Marina Keegan's parents for their composure and very mature way of handling the situation that was presented to them. I definitely do believe that if a greater population of the world was able to be more forgiving, the world would be a better place. I can only hope; however, because that does not look like the way society is turning towards.
ReplyDeleteYour blog relates a lot to the discussion we had in our socratic seminar on Beloved. One of the questions posed during this conversation was whether or not we as an audience should forgive Sethe for killing her child and why the community did not do so. I remember one of my classmates mentioned that Toni Morrison thought Sethe did the right thing, but she had no right to do it. Throughout the novel, I choose not to forgive Sethe, and maybe at the end of the book the community actually did forgive her because of Denver’s effort to change. The community never forgot Sethe’s homicide so maybe before they aided Denver they never forgave Sethe.
ReplyDeleteHey Rakshan, I think a lot of people forget the importance that forgiving people has on the person that is forgiving themselves, not just because they get to feel better at relieving another person of guilt, but actually subconsciously become a step closer to moving on. In a show I'm watching now, a surgeon fell asleep at the wheel for a second and killed a pregnant woman. The woman's dad looked like he wanted to kill the man for what he did to his daughter and at the end ending up hugging and comforting him. I think forgiving a person also allows an individual to subconsciously associate some positive energy and resolution to the scenario that could correlate with reducing the severity of the trauma.
ReplyDeleteHi Rakshan! Healing trauma alone is something very complex and would vary from person to person. The option of forgiving is always up to the individuals, and as you mentioned, there are several exceptions in extreme cases such as Keegan's parents. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHello Rakshan,
ReplyDeleteAs an incredibly stubborn person, I often choose to suppress or react verbally rather than forgive. I think forgiveness is not as easily a chosen alternative as holding a grudge. Because forgiveness comes from within yourself, allowing you to not let the memory of someone or some experience control your thoughts, I hope everyone eventually finds forgiving as a relief to a long-lasting pain. Ultimately, Marina’s parents can never forget the negligence that tore their daughter from them, but they found solace in knowing that hatred would only keep them from appreciating life. I believe that forgetting does not help forget, but it rather is the result of not letting those memories control you.
Hi Rakshan! Forgiving is definitely an option for each individual and there are special cases, especially in the case of Keegan’s parents. I do strongly believe that if this world was more forgiving and people began to forgive each other a lot more than we do right now, that this world would most certainly be a better place. Of course there are situations where it’s just incredibly hard in which it is understandable that someone doesn’t forgive the other. But is it really worth not forgiving someone? At the end of the day, whatever was done was done and there’s no going back and changing the past. So if you can’t change the past, why hold onto the grudge? It’s hard at times, but it’s also sometimes always the best to forgive.
ReplyDeleteHi Rakshan! Forgiveness is such a powerful thing. Though forgiveness might seem like just a word, it is something that is felt deeply. I find it so interesting how forgiving and forgetting are so closely related. Typically when you forget you would also naturally forgive; however, when you forgive that does not necessarily mean you must forget. I find this blog topic very deep and valuable to discuss.
ReplyDeleteHi Rakshan, your blog demonstrates how much control we have over our minds. Many people believe that their mind and body.have a lot of control over them, but we have a lot of control. People are able to trick their body into feeling warm in sub-zero conditions, remember things through cool mental house tricks, or move past painful memories of loved ones through determination. Your example shows how powerful we are at impacting seemingly "powerful" things like our brain.
ReplyDeleteHi Rakshan, I definitely agree with your blog. I know I’ve read this same phrase before about “forgive and forget.” I’ve read that it helps one to forgive because, as you said, one can then effectively “move on,” rather than holding a grudge that could slowly eat away at you. But, I didn’t know that there are scientific studies that have been done showing forgiving can actually help a person forget the bad incident. I’ve only read about this in the spiritual growth sense. There are news stories where a murder victim’s family chose to “forgive” the perpetrator and the family mentioned their religion as the reason for doing so and also for the sake of real healing to take place.
ReplyDelete